He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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