Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
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If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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