I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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