I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.