Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
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Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔