I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night