I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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