this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
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I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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