i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
