I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
