All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
