Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize