i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
