Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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