I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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