i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize