Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
