I accidentally had phone sex last night
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
