I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
