If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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