why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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