so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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