Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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