I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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