is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
