Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
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If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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