You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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