how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
