I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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