just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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