Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
