The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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