i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
