Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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