im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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