I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
