he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
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Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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