i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
