A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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