someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
