i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Randomize
