Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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