im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
