Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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