I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
