I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
