I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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