my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
