Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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