Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
