i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
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Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
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I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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