The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
