I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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