If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
