eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I had to cum in my sink.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
