I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
