You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
