It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
