wakey wakey hands off snakey
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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