; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
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YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm too high and old for this...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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