Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
