I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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